Intro:
At Take Back the Night we have loudly proclaimed that ‘We Believe Survivors’, we have ‘Celebrated Indigenous Women’, we have gathered in ‘Joyful Revolution Always’ and this year we will ‘Reimagine, Resist, and Rebuild’ together.
Take back the night! Take back the night! Take back the night! Take back the night! We believe survivors! We believe survivors!
We believe survivors! We believe survivors! We believe survivors! We believe survivors! We believe survivors! Whooo!
Land Acknowledgement:
We want to start today with a land acknowledgement and saying thank you to the land we are on and to the Indigenous peoples, the Anishinaabe and Haudenosaunee Peoples who have been caring for this land and water for thousands of years.
This land is governed by the Dish with One Spoon Wampum Belt, which represents a treaty relationship between the Haudenosaunee Confederacy and Anishinaabe with respect to sharing the land and resources. The intent of this agreement is for all nations sharing this territory to do so responsibly, respectfully, and sustainably. To not take more than we need, to not hurt the land or each other. And we see that today this agreement is not being upheld be settlers on this land. We see the ongoing violence against the land and against the Indigenous peoples who have been defending the land and water. We know that violence against the land directly causes violence against Indigenous peoples.
And today at TBTN when our conversations are about gender-based violence, sexual violence, and oppression we need to need to remember that Indigenous peoples disproportionately face these violence as a result of colonialism and white supremacy. Indigenous people regardless of gender face disproportion rates of sexual violence, about 50% of all Indigenous people will experience sexual violence at some point in their lives. Indigenous women and girls experience sexual violence at 3 times the rate of non-Indigenous women and girls. And Two-Spirit and Indiqueer folks face again higher rates of violence than others in the Queer and Trans community, and face additional oppression in the QT community for also being Indigenous. Today we ask the settlers who are here tonight to reflect on not just these statistics but also the ways that we benefit from colonialism and the ways that colonialism allows us to be comfortable when Indigenous people are facing such high rates of violence. Ask yourself what would it take for you to give up your comfort to actually actively work toward decolonization? Because that is a commitment we all need to make.
And to the Indigenous people who are joining us today, thank you again for your ongoing care for the land we are on and water that continues to give us life. Thank you.
Opening Performance by Spirit Vision Singers and Drummers:
I am happy to introduce Spirit Vision Singers and Drummers who will begin our Take Back The Night with an Honour song.
I am Luke Johns, I am from Cayuga Nation, Killdeer Clan. I am Scot Norton, Ojibwe and Anishinaabe. Tony Johnson, Six Nations and Cayuga. And I am Jamie Johns and we all sing with Spirit Vision.
We are about to do a song for the women who take back the night and honour for, also the missing aboriginal women. This song is an honour song that came to my heart all day when we were asked to do this. It was on my mind to put this together to do justice and then honour our missing aboriginal women, young and old. We are men that are husbands ourselves, soon to be grandpas, we are also fathers. And we understand how it means to be walking with a clear heart, clear mind and walking this way of having a good honour in everything we do. So we want to sing this song for this time. –missing word- Miigwetch. Thank you.
Drum beat in unison. Singing honour song.
Welcome to Hamilton Virtual Take Back the Night:
Hello and welcome to Take Back the Night! This year we are virtual for the first time ever! And honestly I’m hoping it will be the last because we cannot wait to be able to gather again, to march, to rally and to feel all around us the strength, resiliency and power in our community But this is still going to be a great and powerful night! And we hope that you have gathered with you, with your household or social bubble to join us so you can feel that TBTN energy as we share in this virtual event. And since you’ll will be seeing my face pop up a few times tonight I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Miranda and I am the Public education coordinator at SACHA. And now for more important things, this year for TBTN we asked folks in the community to Reimagine, Resist, and Rebuild, to envision a world free of violence and oppression and what it would take to make that image a reality. And tonight we give space to the community members and organizations who have shared with us the ways they are Reimagining, Resisting, and Rebuilding. And as you take part tonight know that this was a community effort, it took so many people to get here and that we invite all members of our community to on reflect on what Reimagine, Resist, Rebuild means to you because a better world is not possible if we do not envision it And now I am happy to introduce you to Sarah, one of our counsellors at SACHA who can tell you more about why this theme was chosen.
Reimagine, Resist, Rebuild:
Hello everyone, my name is Sarah Adjekum, and I’m really excited to be welcoming you to SACHA’s TBTN 2020. As you know, SACHA has long been involved in the fight against oppression and against sexual violence, and that’s why the space that we create through TBTN has been so important to both us and to the community. Now this past year has highlighted so many of the inequalities that we know our community struggles through every single day. The struggles of community members who are homeless, precariously housed and living in poverty, all of whom continue to face increased challenges as a result of the pandemic. The many support workers, service workers, healthcare workers, the majority of whom are women, who have been disproportionately exposed during the pandemic, we see you. As well as the racialized communities who have been disproportionately impacted. A pertinent and ongoing problem that warrants both our attention and our anger is the systemic violence that we continue to see facing our Black and Indigenous communities. Now this violence is historical and it stems from Canada’s legacy of violence against Black, Indigenous, and POC, and this year has brought renewed focus to very specific ways that racism in our policing and in our carceral systems continue to impact Black and Indigenous communities. Black and Indigenous death at the hands of police is becoming a normalized spectacle and the outrage that we are seeing in regards to the protests that are taking place in Canada and in the US match the crime, which is the loss of human life. This TBTN, we’re asking you to support survivors, while thinking about what justice for survivors looks like in a system that does not value the lives of Black and Indigenous peoples, and does not value the lives of racialized people. We’ve seen the failures of such a system, over and over again, especially when we remember the hundreds of missing and murdered Indigenous women and girls and we know that Black and racialized Indigenous survivors are treated as less credible and are less likely to be believed when they report their experiences of sexual violence. Racialized people of disabilities are also especially vulnerable, and at the same time, disproportionately more likely to have fatal encounters with law enforcement. Those are the shortcomings of a system that is not intersectional and is not anti-racist, and in fact has been antithetical to those very ideas. Those are the shortcomings of a system predicated on colonial violence, and the devaluation of racialized bodies and experiences and at the same time, frames those bodies, of people of colour, as sites of violence or as perpetrators of violence. Now despite the inequitable access to justice, be it through skeptical law enforcement, biased courts, or calls for police protection that often turn fatal, we know it is the stories of survivors that are often co-opted to justify why a better criminal justice system isn’t possible, why radically transforming the police isn’t possible, why abolition isn’t possible. This TBTN, we want you to envision what we need to build healthy, safe, and thriving communities. Communities that center Black liberation, Indigenous sovereignty, and decolonization. We name justice as a path to health and we name justice as a path to safety. Justice shouldn’t be a dream and it should not be a utopia for survivors to have equitable access to support regardless of their race, disability status, gender identity or sexual orientation. We challenge you to think about what this could look like and what we need to get us there. We challenge you to envision a community that you would want to live in and the systems we would need to make this a reality. Every year that we’ve marched together, we’ve taken up space and it has always been about demanding justice on our terms, taking back our streets, taking back our communities, taking back our lives. Daring to dream itself is a radical act and we know that a better world is not possible unless we envision it. So this year we are asking everyone to envision the kind of world we could have. The kind of world where we are safe to walk down our streets at night and not be afraid, and we’re asking you to envision a kind of world where Black, Indigenous, and all POC feel safe. Thank you so much.
Community Showcase:
Next up, we have our community showcase and we were amazed with the submissions that came in and the powerful messages they conveyed with their art. Our communities are so full of talent, so please enjoy these next performances. Whoooo!
Lisa Shen:
Lisa Shen is a 21-year old Chinese-Canadian spoken word poet from Mississauga, Ontario. Her work focuses on two core themes: expression of thought and beauty in the inconsequential. She writes to explore ideas that are important to her, or to simply capture a beautiful moment using paper and ink. Lisa has been frequenting online poetry events in the era of COVID-19. You can follow her work using @lisashenthepoet on Instagram. Today she will be performing her poem ‘To the Boy with Teardrop Eyes’
To the boy with teardrop eyes who sang me siren songs of suicide: If you choose to leave this world, I do not want to read the note. I will not hold the gun. I do not know if this is a letter or a eulogy; I do not know if you have slipped beneath the earth or into another’s body — But I will not devote my eyes to watering your grave. I will not call your coffin “sarcophagus”. So do not list me as one of your reasons why. Do not use your last breath to whisper my name. I did not consent to being your only reason not to pull a trigger — to be life jacket — to be anything but fighting for myself. So if I am to feel sorrow, it will only be for myself. Content warning: abusive relationships and suicide If I am to feel guilt, it will only be for myself. What you are hearing, in place of me begging for your life, is the sound my mouth makes when its stitches have come undone. What you are hearing, in place of my body folding into a shield, is the beauty my hand creates when it is no longer twisted around yours. What you are hearing, is the song of a once-captive bird, released at sea, fluttering back to shore.
Saffron A.:
Saffron A is a feminist musician based in Brantford Ontario, Canada. She accompanies herself on tenor guitar and octave mandolin. Her music sits where emotion and intellect intersect, tackling themes of sexual violence, trauma, mental health and empowerment with sensitivity and strength. Saffron A embodies the raw honesty of Janis Ian, the phrasing of Courtney Barnett and the emotional range of Mitski.
I thought the tide had grown so high
That I would be pulled down
It takes so much to stay alive
Sometimes, I thought I’d drown
But now the sun evaporates
Away some of the water
So I will learn to keep my place
So they won’t pull me under
Lifted high, falling low
I can sense the undertow
I watch the rhythm, feel the pace
Brace myself for impact
And ride the wave
The water that I’m wading in was warm, but now is cold
I’m looking for a way that I can drift back to the shore
The clouds are raining down on me, I feel
My body shivering
But soon the storm will pass over me
I was so resistant to the water and the waves
I was so consistent in ignoring all the rain
Once I tried to fight the current and the tide
Now I’ve learned to let go and just ride
Hello everyone, my name is Saffron A. and I am so happy to get to perform for all of you. This next song is called Survivor.
Here’s where you found me
Here’s where they left me
For all these years I’ve been quiet
I have taken the weight of silence
The secrets I buried
The ones that I carried alone
They didn’t believe me
Refused to hear me
When someone they knew
Violated me
The secret I buried
The one that I carried alone
Now you’re not alone
Now you’ve found your home
You’re calling, screaming out
I see you, I hear you now
The secrets you buried
The ones that you carried alone
There are no more secrets
You don’t have to keep it alone
I believe you
There’s no need to explain all the pain that you’re going through
Thank you for putting your trust in me
Let me know what you need me to do
Is there any support that I can provide
Or is this all that you need
I believe you
Thank you for trusting me
I believe you
And although others doubt
Ask you questions about what happened
They think they’re helpful
Telling you to move on
Cause they can’t see what’s wrong with that sentiment
People don’t know
We all need to grow
And educate ourselves
I believe you
Others do as well
I believe you
There’s no need to explain
And others do as well
I believe you
Without a doubt
I believe you
I always like to throw in I Believe You at the end of that song. This next one I’m going to play is about consent and it’s very much the basics of consent. It’s called Consent 101, if you will. And our understanding of these concepts is very, very basic and there’s a lot of nuance to it and I kind of throw that in a bit of that at the end.
No means no, yes means yes
We will not settle for less
You can want me,
but if you want to touch me
My consent is mandatory
No means no, yes means yes
I like you, but I don’t know you yet
I’m fine to kiss, but that’s it
Don’t push me any further
Than what I have consented
I like you, but I don’t know you yet
I thought this would be fine,
But now it’s not
When you feel my body freeze
that means stop
I don’t know just what I want right now
hold me till I’m figured out
I thought this would be fine
But now it’s not
No means no, yes means yes
We will not settle for less
This is my body
I decide who touches me
No means no, yes means yes
I’ve got one more and it’s called Patterns Repeating and it’s talking about the patterns that we find in our relationships. And you know some can be really great: sometimes we have fantastic people around us, but then other times we can realize that we don’t always have people that are close to us that treat us with all the love and respect and care that we deserve. And once we notice that we can, you know, make a change, have conversations, figure ways out, and you know, do a lot of work within ourselves, and we’re never fully stuck.
Learning to receive a touch
Without expecting expectation
Fearing to give too much
Emotional energy
Getting invested
Will leave you depressed and lonely
All the things I am unlearning
When I have you with me
My feelings are not too much
And you see me growing stronger
I’m wondering when this ride
Will collapse and falter
I’m terrified of finding myself
In familiar situations
All the fears I am unlearning
When I have you with me
Suddenly you’re gone and I’m left over reeling
How can I come down from those electric feelings
I thought that you were safe for me
I guess I’m just too trusting
All the things I am unlearning
People you love can leave you hurting
Sometimes what is normal is not right
Sometimes feeling comfortable is a sign
That something about the person your with
Is a pattern repeating
All the things that we are learning
All the pain we’re overcoming
Thank you again for having me. Everyone deserves to feel safe, and secure, and cared for, and like they can be their full selves, especially when walking at night. So I hope all of you have a fantastic isolated TBTN. Bye-bye!
Sabrina Reid-Smith:
Sabrina Reid-Smith is a third year student taking Human Behaviour at McMaster who spends most of her time hugging her dog and teaching music. She identifies as someone with a disability and is hoping to pursue law school to continue fighting for a more just world. Sabrina has released two singles in the last year and paused an album release due to COVID but is currently working on an acoustic quarantine EP so stay tuned!
Hi, my name is Sabrina Reid-Smith, and I’ll be performing an original as well as a few covers. This first one’s an original and its called Me Too.
Do you hear me
Do you understand the words I’m saying
Do you listen to anything but the sound of your own voice
For years I pretended you didn’t hear me
For years I tried to convince myself you weren’t that type
But the more I think about how quick they are to shut this kind of thing down the more I freak out
And when I hear about how you’re still out there doing this even now
It shakes me to the core
And I don’t wanna dig up the past
But its still haunting me at night
I don’t wanna go through the motions
To have them say you were in the right
Cuz I can’t bear one more moment of this hell
You put me through
And I can’t sit here silently and pretend it doesn’t kill me
How you all hide the truth
Don’t you all
Ignore it when we say
Me too
Don’t you all brush it off when we say
Me too
Don’t you all make your jokes
Don’t you all show it with your votes
You don’t care
Do you
I look in the mirror broken and tried
Ask myself what I’m supposed to do
What more can I go through
But what do I owe the next girl
What do I owe the next guy
It feels hopeless but I could change your mind
I could save a life
And I don’t wanna dig up the past
But its still haunting me at night
I don’t wanna go through the motions
And have them say you were in the right
Cuz I can’t bear one more moment of this hell
You put me through
And I can’t sit here silently and pretend it doesn’t kill me
How you all hide the truth
Don’t you all
Ignore it when we say
Me too
Don’t you all brush it off when we say
Me too
Don’t you all make your jokes
Don’t you all show it with your votes
You don’t care
Do you?
Don’t you all
Ignore it when we say
Me too
Don’t you all brush it off when we say
Me too
Don’t you all make your jokes
Don’t you all show it with your votes
You don’t care
Do you?
This one is Perfect by P!nk.
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated
Misplaced
Misunderstood
Miss no way it’s all good
It didn’t slow me down.
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look I’m still around
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect
To me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I’ll see you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect
To me
Whole world scared so I swallowed the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice-cold beer
So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard
It’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, ’cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do I do that, why do I do that?
Yeah, oh
Oh pretty pretty please
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect
To me
This one’s called Skyscraper by Demi Lovato.
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it’s ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There’s nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I’m standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Go run, run, run
I’m gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it’s a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Calvin Procyon:
Calvin Procyon is a lifelong resident of Hamilton, friend of raccoons everywhere, plant dad, mom to two cats, and occasional musician. Their music explores their experiences with disability, chronic illness, Madness & psychiatrization, non-binary identity, and queerness. Their first song, “Queering Craft,” is a love song for community. It explores community as a methodology for creating new possibilities to revision and recreate the world. Their second song, “Darkness,” is about watching the world fall apart around you.
Through queering-craft
And crip (dis)spelling,
We weave our webs of Madgic.
By visioning futures,
We bewitch, we trans/form;
We breathe them from our bodies;
We bring them into being.
And I, I never wanted
To be here without you;
To leave you behind;
To leave your side.
I, I wouldn’t be who
I am, without your love;
I am, without your care;
Without your pride.
And after all these years
Of watching all my fears come true,
You help me wipe my tears;
The only place I’m safe is with you.
Through queering-craft
And crip (dis)spelling,
We weave our webs of Madgic.
By visioning futures,
We bewitch, we trans/form;
We breathe them from our bodies;
We bring them into being;
We build a better world.
I saw the darkness parading
With in tow, an army of broken hearts
I felt the city come caving down
The walls still standing sound
Father, please
Help me
My friends are still inside
My friends are gonna die
I felt my lover fading
I laid his tired heart to rest
You know, there’s no use debating
Red is red, and dead is dead
Mother, please
Calm me
I think I’m going to cry
I think we’re going to die
I saw the sunrise retreating
To safety, out of sight and out of mind
I felt the darkness overtake me
The smell of smoke in my insides
Lover, please
Hold me
Tell me that we’re fine
Tell me we’ll be alright
Tell me that
Tell me that
Tell me that story again
Back when you were ten
You fell out of a tree
And hurt your knee
But when we grow up
And the going gets rough
I guess we’ve run out of blood to bleed
I guess we’ve run out of blood
We See You, We Believe You:
Hello and a big thank you for joining us at Hamilton Virtual Take Back the Night for 2020. My name is Jessica Bonilla-Damptey and I am the Director at SACHA. This year has looked very different for everyone and there have been a lot of changes. One of the biggest changes was the advice to stay home and isolate as much as possible. We know this is difficult for a lot of people but for some it is more than difficult, it is actually dangerous or even impossible. For some staying home means being isolated with an abuser.
We know that during COVID-19 the rates of violence in the home have increased including sexual, gender-based, and child violence. In addition to increasing rates of violence we also know that survivors have been left with fewer supports. For many, the supports that do remain are inaccessible due to barriers like accessing a private space or consistent access to a computer with a reliable internet connection.
And for many, the financial burdens that COVID-19 has created have also meant significant challenges for leaving abusive situations particularly if financial independence is not possible at this time. We know that for many people being reliant on an abusive partner for financial wellbeing is a barrier without the COVID-19 but the pandemic has exasperated this situation and has increased the understandable fears and concerns about accessing shelters and housing supports. We know that for many survivors support IS accessible housing and financial independence. We cannot support survivors and ignore the social inequalities that leaves some people unable to leave abusive situations and begin to heal. We cannot end sexual violence without ending the oppression and poverty that takes away a person’s right to choose and their ability to develop to their full potential.
At SACHA we have also heard from survivors that the current pandemic has influenced their mental health. Feelings of anxiety have increased and it became more difficult to cope during a pandemic. Survivors are left without their usual supports, their access to loved ones, and the freedom to be in spaces that are safe for them. An increased police presences during the pandemic has also left some survivors to feel unsafe outside of their home. We understand that these fears are real and they can have profound impacts on a survivor’s wellbeing. But through this all we have also seen great resilience and communities coming together to provide support and solidarity. It is absolutely an incredibly hard time for all of us folks and especially survivors but we see you, we see the ways you are fighting through this, we stand with you and are we here if you need support.
We ask the community, regardless of what the future holds to be mindful of the unique situations that survivors face. Know that if someone is unable to isolate and stay home as much as you think they should there may be a very important reason for this. If someone is having difficulty coping during this time know that there are very valid reasons for this too. We need to treat each other with respect and kindness and understand that the circumstances of staying home and the pandemic are not the same for everyone. We need to be non-judgmental, and we need to believe survivors and support them regardless of their circumstances. To all survivors and to survivors who have faced additional challenges, hardships, and anxieties during this time of COVID-19, please know that we at SACHA, we see you, we believe you and you are not alone.
Happy Take Back the Night 2020. Let’s do this.
Survivor Voices:
TBTN deals with a lot of really heavy themes of sexual violence, gender-based violence, and of oppression, but in this next section, Survivor Voices, you’ll be hearing in the words of survivor’s commentary on their own experiences and we just want to say, if you need to take space right now for yourself and not engage in this content, or do anything else it is you need to take care of yourself, please absolutely do it. This content can be really hard to hear and we’re here to support you if you need it. Thank you to the survivors who submitted for this section. Your words are powerful and meaningful.
Anonymous Anne:
It begins with a set of large, hazel eyes.
The first boy I ever had sex with brought me over to his dorm in residence. Third floor,
penthouse. Suite style. A palace compared to my dingy, shared room.
We were meant to be practicing for the debate tournament next week. My young, naïve
heart, falling for his pair of liquid brown irises, had suggested that I help him figure out
his opening speeches.
By the time we had chosen our practice topic, his pools of caramel were staring into
mine. By the time he had half-heartedly run through his first attempt at a case, his
shoulder was pressing against me on the couch. I gave up on the whole endeavor when
he placed his hand on my thigh.
How exciting.
A month and a series of snapchats later, he is standing in my dorm room in jeans and a
T‑shirt.
How wonderful to finally kiss a boy.
How wonderful to finally lose myself to someone.
How wonderful, that he, golden-skinned adonis, would have interest in touching me.
It had to all happen in the same night. I was afraid he would lose interest otherwise.
The kiss was rough — full of unshaved stubble and my own inexperienced teeth. He was
in a rush to get clothing off. I had thought there would be more foreplay. Perhaps a
playlist of rock music in the background. But golden-skinned adonis boy was inside me
within the span of twenty minutes.
My memory of that moment is a flashbulb of recollection, as for several minutes, I
endured the pain of him fucking me. I remember the bright white of the overhead
fluorescent lights, my hand on the cold marble of the windowsill, my head and body
tense and unmoving with every thrust, eyes fixed on the ceiling, waiting for it to be over,
so that I could finally tell myself I had achieved the sex I wanted so desperately to have
had.
Eventually, I told him to stop — it hurt too much. He paused, withdrew, and sat naked on
my single bed. He joked about blue balls and leaving people hanging. He asked me to
blow him. Then, hearing my response of declination, the first boy I ever had sex with
pulled back on his jeans and disappeared out the door of my dorm room.
That night, I was giddy with excitement. Nevermind the pain — golden-skinned adonis
boy had been mine to touch. I had kissed him, and had entered the magical realm of
people who have had sex.
There were a few more times I will not speak about. A couple blowjobs — his hand
maintaining a slight pressure on my head. A couple more sad attempts at fucking.
Sex was entirely new to me, and I was terribly excited by it. I wanted to be good at it,
and I wanted to be desired by him. So in all those times, I remained silent through my
own discomfort.
Eventually, however, golden-skinned adonis boy lost interest in me.
And so it is that, two years and eleven months later, I find myself reading these words
into the foam covering of a microphone.
For much of this time, I have affirmed to myself that I was not sexually abused — because
the whole time, I had agency over my own actions and the ability to stop his with a
single word.
But there is no consent in fucking a frozen body.
And so I have come to realise that he took advantage of me. That he exploited my
attraction to him and my lack of experience for his own sexual pleasure — without any
consideration for my emotional or physical well-being.
The first time you have sex informs the way you continue on to love. To this day, no
matter how tender the hand, I brace myself for pain. My partner cannot touch my head
during oral sex — not even to run their hands through my hair. He damaged my ability to
express affection, and I have been fighting to get it back.
My weapon of choice has been a simple one: self-respect. The nurturing of a small voice
inside that says: “I deserve better”.
One day, I was suddenly struck with the realization that I could no longer remember his
last name. Somehow, the first boy I ever had sex with had been reduced to four letters
and a series of flashbulb memories.
But there is still work to be done.
I will continue on learning to love myself. I will strip away every leaf from this tree of my
life and bloom anew. I will cut him down until he is three letters, then two, then one,
then nothing.
Beth:
This poem and art piece were created by Beth. The Stunning Tree.
The seed is sown
It splits and sprouts
Eagerly it shoots up
Breaking through
Making contact with light
Slowly the seedling grows
Water and sun nourish
The seedling is
Hopeful
Confident
Delighted
For what lies ahead
But…slowly
…Fog moves in
Cooler days approach
Deer grazing
Storms rage and plunder
Innocence shaken
The sapling is confused
Gone are the days
Of soaking in the sun
Only job was to grow
The young tree’s
Bark
Branches
Leaves
Become increasingly
Thicker
Bruised
Marred
Still it withstands
What nature brings its way
People walk by
Mocking
For this scarred tree
Stands unappealing
Many branches fallen
Broken
Year after year
Ignored
Weathered
Disfigured
She pushes through
Swallows hard
For each storm that tests
She’s determined
To continue to stand
As the Seasons pass
She’s persistent
To find out who she is
…to shine
Finally buds appear
She at last can see
The storms
The fog
The mocking
Have only made her
Fight harder
Grow taller
Alas!
Coral flowers bloom
Onlookers in awe
For what she has been through
Blemishes no more
She’s let go of those times
Let go of the pain
She is stunning
She is beautiful
She is whole
Anonymous:
Heal? Grow? With What?
How am I supposed to trust anyone ever again?
How do I re-learn to trust myself?
How am I supposed to trust myself to BE with anyone again?
Trust the people around me or my own reality?
How am I supposed to fall in love again?
Trust my own judgement
How am I supposed to keep being myself
When I’ve been broken over and over again
To the point where I genuinely don’t know who I am or if I’m even a real person
How am i supposed to not cry every time I see your face, hear your voice or even your name
I want to be able to listen to your music again
Because I still love your music
I don’t want to have to erase everything that I’ve learned from you
Or everything that you had a part in shaping in who I am
I don’t want to erase all our good memories
Because they are a part of who I am today
So how am I supposed to heal without losing those parts of me?
How can I heal when every support
Refuses to believe that a woman did this to me?
How can I find justice if I don’t want to report?
How am I supposed to feel if she goes to prison?
This is not just about maintaining a good self image, trust me
Cause sometimes when I see something that belongs to her
I want to break it
I get angry, spiteful, salty, vengeful and petty
And it takes all my force of self restraint to put it in a box instead
The only reason I don’t break it is cause I’m worried it wont feel as satisfying as my pain is telling me right now
So damn, does that cup look sooo satisfying to break
Someday I might let myself smash it
But I think smashing your cup is as far as I’m willing to go
So how am I supposed to find solace
In a world that only encourages the worst parts of me to grow?
The only way I’ve been able to survive is by numbing myself and drinking myself closer to death every single day because I don’t know how else to keep living
How am I supposed to just keep walking through the world like everything’s the same
As if I’m still the same
How do I even survive?
By putting up a wall for each lesson I never wanted to have to learn?
If only those walls were real…
Then at least I wont have to worry about rent, right?
Look, there’s my wall for never trusting good things
And there’s the wall for keeping my crazy to myself
And there’s the wall for never sleeping in the same bed as another human being again
A thousand and one walls would have certainly built me a castle
A fortress even
I’m so tired of building all these walls
while still having to pay my damn rent
Locked up in my fortress so long,
I begin to forget that there’s even a world outside
With living beings.
People who also suffer.
In spite of every fibre of my being telling me not to allow myself to be vulnerable
As if what happened to me is a reflection of my failure to to control an uncontrollable situation
In a controlled and broken world
The only control that could ever exist is outside me
Enact upon me
I am the object to its verbs
But somehow I’m the one who needs to heal?
How do I not just be filled with hatred for everybody and fear of everybody and anger at the world that put us in such fucked up situations to begin with?
How am I supposed to outgrow trauma
when trauma just keeps happening over and over again
How am I supposed to get any way of justice
When my only recourse is literally to take her to court
Escorted by pigs to be locked away
Out of sight out of mind
To have the state enact a punishment on her
That I do not desire because
I still care about her as a person
How am I supposed to heal in a world that only nourishes my spite?
I don’t know what to live for
cause I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to live either
So tell me, how do I survive? How do I heal? How do I grow?
All I know is, not like this.
I’m not looking for a cure
If you believe survivors then you better as hell
Believe me when I say: this is not how I heal.
I cannot heal without secure housing. Secure income. Community support. Harm reduction centres. Mediators, restorative and transformative justice practitioners.
I cannot heal in a world that finds me and others to be disposable.
I cannot heal under whitesupremacy.
I cannot heal under capitalism.
I cannot heal on stolen lands.
I cannot heal when people are literally getting arrested a few miles from here for asserting sovereignty over stolen lands.
Stolen lands that our government will spend every dime to be able to extract from.
A stolen land with stolen people, stolen sisters disposed of.
I cannot heal while there are stolen sisters.
I cannot heal until reparations for slavery and every act of institutional anti-Black racism are made.
I cannot heal in a world with cops and prisons.
I cannot heal in a world with cops and prisons.
I cannot heal in a world with cops and prisons.
I cannot heal under the threat of homelessness and poverty.
I cannot heal in a cissexist world.
I cannot heal while benefiting from plunder and exploited workers.
I cannot heal while the world is on fire.
I cannot heal within a system that creates the very power dynamics that caused my assaults and traumas to happen in the first place.
So one day, when I’m fed up, tired of hoping and dreaming and fighting…
I will walk into a police station.
And I will file a report.
Against the whole damn system.
TBTN San Francisco 1990: Excerpts from Sex Workers — Brought to you by SWAP: Sex Workers Action Program Hamilton:
Thank you to the survivors who submitted their works for the last section. Your words were incredibly powerful and next we’ll be sharing footage from the 1990 TBTN in San Francisco provided by SWAP, the Sex Workers Action Program here in Hamilton. This footage illustrates the ways sex workers have historically been denied space in conversations about sexual and gender-based violence in “feminist” spaces. That’s something that still happens to this day. It also shows the wat others have labeled them as gender-traitors for engaging in consensual work. Conversations about sexual and gender-based violence cannot take place without support for and the inclusion of sex workers.
She’s gotta get baaaack! (Get back!)
She’s gotta get baaaack! (Get back!)
She’s gotta get baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack (Get back!) the night!
We’re all sex workers and we all came down here, hopefully it won’t be to counter-protest, but if it comes to that, I guess that’s what it’ll be, but we don’t believe that violence against women is perpetuated through pornography and that censorship in the name of protecting women isn’t actually protection at all, in fact, when it’s done in the guise of protecting women against violent sexual imagery a lot gets cut out, including women’s sexual voices. There’s a ground-swell of female produced and feminist produced pornography these days that’s also getting silenced by censorship and we came down here to say that we’re sex-positive sex workers and that we do it, we’re not coerced into it and it’s a fun, if only part-time living for us and that we’re not manipulated or twisted by some misogynistic culture, though we do live in a misogynistic culture to be sex workers and for us it’s a positive experience.
Everybody says yeah.
Well I’m a big prostitute, I’ve been a prostitute in this city for 15 years. A lot of women are saying they came here today kinda nervous that TBTN which has a history of, say, not doing outreach to prostitutes, right? There’s sort of a history there, so people come kind of wondering and I don’t know, I was invited especially, so I’m happy so, and I’m a prostitute, right? I get paid for sex, ok. What about some other sex workers here?
When you say something’s degrading toward women it puts women like in a really weak position and I don’t think that you can- there’s no possible way to degrade women, you can’t, you have to allow yourself to be degraded, and so I don’t believe that you know, being naked in front of people is degrading to women, or as anything, you can do whatever you want. You need to allow yourself to be degraded in order to be degraded.
Speaker off camera: you know I feel degraded constantly in this culture, I’m feeling very degraded, you know being a really big woman and I’m forty. I’m going to be forty like next month. I just feel like, you know, life is one big degradation so the prostitution sometimes, for me it’s expressed aspects of that, but you know, the other hand we all get power from it. Anybody else want to talk about sex work-
Working the sex industry has given me a new perspective on my body and my sexuality that’s been really positive and good and meeting all these wonderful, intelligent women in the industry has really changed my attitude about pornography and the sex industry.
I’ve been dancing for almost two now and I’ve- it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s really been good for me; it’s been great for me to express myself in that way.
Speaker off camera: Yeah, prostitution’s actually been really good for me but now it’s getting like, not good. It’s getting like one of those things, you know, I want to have a different job, but I still love being a prostitute. It’s just maybe doing it less. It’s hard in some ways I find. I don’t know, what’s the hardest thing?
The hardest thing about dancing?
Speaker off camera: Or about getting along with people and having to tell people, the hardest thing about the whole schtick.
The hardest thing about the whole schtick for me is when people are saying to me that that’s degrading to women or, you know, my mother said that to me when I first started and I was like really torn about it. I was like “ohhh, well yeah, feminists do sy it’s degrading, is it degrading women, is it not degrading women, aaa”. Now I have no problems with it.
Speaker 1: Think about this Helen.
Speaker 2: Imagine doing that.
Speaker 3: I totally agree with these women, I hate violent pornography. I just hate what it does to women. I know it’s a big debate in San Francisco, but as far as I’m concerned, this stuff is hate literature, you know.
Speaker 1: So what do you think we should do about it?
Speaker 3: I think we should expose it wherever we can, you know. Like they’re doing right here.
Speaker 1: What do you think about women that pose for these?
Speaker 3: I think they’re traitors to their sex. That’s what I think, you know.
Crowd: Hey hey! Ho Ho! The patriarchy has got to go!
Hey hey! Ho Ho! The patriarchy has got to go!
(continues)
Speaker off camera: Hey hey! Ho Ho! The patriarchy has got to go, but sex lives on, okay?
(inaudible), but prostitutes are everywhere!
SACHA in Solidarity:
When I was asked to say a few words today in this important activity, I almost shied away to the offer. I asked myself how is still possible that us, women, continue to fear violence and murder because of our gender? But, because I am strongly convinced that we cannot stop fighting for a safer world to all of us I decided I needed to be here today. We must continue to bring light and actions to the outgoing fight against violence against us, but we cannot keep doing it silently. As an example of the above and driven by the same force, my fellow sisters in my Homeland, Chile, Las Tesis, embarked in their collective work and creating the NOW, a global anthem that denounces gender violence and the patriarchal system. This is a song where all the women in the world feel identified and they chant it with enthusiasm and hope. Currently, Las Tesis, are fighting a lawsuit orchestrated by the Chilean policy and are been accused of initiating violence and challenging authority. By this, the patriarchal system is attempting to criminalize and silence a social an artistic movement. They use harassment, intimidation and censorship. At the same time, Las Tesis work has proven that for US here and the women around the world, we stand together and fight for the same cause! It is my heartful intent this moment, TODAY, and in our daily routines we do not lose our focus which is to always support one another, our sorority, in solidarity! It has been on my journey as an activist that I have had the good fortune to meet a vibrant, energetic and inclusive group of women who walk the talk. They will lead and explain the symbolism meaning for the choreography and lyrics.
Hi, we are here from Toronto, from the group “Apoyamos Chile” which is “We support Chile”. We are here to support the ladies from Hamilton and the ladies around the world. We’ve done this performance of the Tesis many times. And this performances’ meaning is against violence against women and non-binary (women as well). This is actually, the Tesis an altered an anthem for the military anthem. They altered the anthem and they made it as women’s chant, because the patriarchy system does not work. The Choreography as well, is a very basic choreography but it also represents how women are mistreated, they are humiliated, they have been raped and murdered. They make them take their clothes off, kneel themselves down. So we are here in support. So we can end the violence against women, non binary as well. And this is why it is important for all of us to stick together. So from Toronto, Apoyamos Chile, We support Chile, we are here to support all the women in Latin America and around the world.
HWDSB Kids Need Help Speak on Policing and Liberation:
HWDSB Kids Need Help is a group of former and current HWDSB students. We act as an advocacy body for students and families who are experiencing discrimination and injustices that are not being addressed by the school board. We operate within an anti-racist, anti-capitalist, anti-colonialist, anti-oppressive and revolutionary framework. We practice this by sharing our resources, knowledge and power. We are in no way affiliated with the school board.
Hello friends!
I’m really honoured to be taking part in Take Back the Night 2020. Making stuff like this work, making it accessible through the internet — it’s a lovely and strange foray into the world of shared and joyful accessible content that I love to see. So thanks for having me here, at an event that honours the life-bringing forces of gender oppressed people and seeks light and justice for us and with us. So — I’m Rubaiat, I’ve recently started going by he/him and I’m here on behalf of HWDSB Kids Need Help.
For context, HWDSB Kids started in November 2017 by four students at Westdale Secondary in response to police violence against an autistic Black, Muslim student who was forcibly handcuffed and removed from the school by the HPS. HWDSB Kids acted as an advocating body for the family, providing them with a pro bono lawyer and consistent support in addressing this violence at the school board level. Since then, HWDSB Kids has been involved with students across the Board, we’ve been to a ton of meetings with Board officials, we’ve organized townhalls to create data around the experiences of racialized and disabled students in the board, and we’ve connected with other student organizers who have gone on to push for change at their schools and in their communities as well.
So I’m here to talk to you about policing. Policing, in addition to being colonial, racial, ableist violence is gendered violence. The student who was dragged out of Westdale was a young girl. In so-called Canada, Black women and girls represent 6% of all federally incarcerated “female” prisoners, but only 3.1% of Canada’s overall “female” population. While Indigenous women make up less than five per cent of the population, they account for 38 per cent of women in prison. Black and Indigenous women and girls are currently being incarcerated at the fastest growing rates than any other part of the populace.
The state does this for a reason. At the forefront of our movements towards liberation, at the forefront of conversations that shed light on how the state and the state’s agents are responsible for the sexual and gendered violence that we experience, at the forefront of our community’s healing — are gender oppressed people.
Recently, Dr. Pam Palmater, who is a Mi’kmaq lawyer, professor and activist spoke during the #ScholarStrike about the history of violent policing on this land. She spoke about how the North West Mounted Police, Canada’s first ever police force and the police force which would go on to become the RCMP, would collaborate with Indian agents on reserves to strategically starve communities by denying food rations. In doing this, North West Mounted Police officers would “gain access” to women’s bodies on reserves because people were so vulnerable and were starving. I share what Dr. Palmater shared during that lecture to say this: there is no collective movement towards sexual liberation and liberation for all Black, Indigenous, and racialized people on this land, all disabled and deaf people on this land, all queer and trans people, all poor people on this land without ABOLITION. The very flesh and bones of policing is white supremacy. It’s gendered violence. It’s ableism. It’s violence against queer and trans people. When an institution is necessarily founded upon this kind of violence, there is no amount of reform — of cultural competency trainings, of diversity hires, of workshops — that can change its overarching mission.
Abolition would lead us into a new era of how to talk about sexual violence, about how to address gender based violence.
Some of you may remember our historic sit-in on June 22nd this year, where because of a well-coordinated campaign to put public pressure on the School Board Trustees and in a culmination of 4 years of student organizing in the board, the student resource officer program was terminated in the HWDSB. It was a magical night, truly. But the organizers and community understood that it was just a small step in the ultimate vision of a world without police. Defunding the police would create the resources in our communities to address sexual and gender based violence, to create cultures of sex positivity that allow us to move further towards freedom for all of us, that could allow inter community conversations that aren’t tainted with fear and mistrust of one another. But there’s immense work to be done.
Now more than ever, and definitely more than what I’ve seen in my life, is the moment for our communities to come together. For SACHA to stand with defunding and abolition, for us to understand that we can have each other’s backs — not the state. This is our moment to push. Already the culture in the city is changing — it’s just a matter of how we are able to come together. Our movements are intertwined. Inseparable.
It’s time we understood that there is no freedom for anyone with defunding, disarming, dismantling and ultimately abolishing the police.
Thank you for your time and thank you to SACHA for inviting me to speak on behalf of HWDSB Kids Need Help. If you would like to know more about the work we do or get involved, you can follow us on instagram, (@hwdsbkidsneedhelp), twitter (@hwdsbkids) or Facebook (HWDSB Kids Need Help) and join our mailing list for more info on what we’re up to! Thank you, I hope you have a lovely night and it was an honour to speak.
TBTN Shirt Design Reveal:
Hello SACHA friends and supporters, I hope you’re ready because it’s time for the TBTN shirt design reveal in 3… 2… 1!
We hope you love this beautiful shirt design as much as we do! This design was created by Sarah Adejkum who in addition to being an amazing artist is also a SACHA Staff. These shirts with will be screen printed by Centre 3 using white ink on black t‑shirts will be available in small, medium, large, extra larges 2XL and 3XL. Each shirt is for sale for $20 and these funds allow us to continue to offer amazing services and programs at SACHA. To order your TBTN shirt please e‑transfer Htee at htee@sacha.ca and in the message include your contact information and shirt sizes required. You will be contacted when your shirt or ready for pick up at the SACHA office. Thank you for your SACHA support!
Community Partners Solidarity – You Are Not Alone: — Apologies from SACHA that we are missing this section of the transcript. We will update this section as soon as we are able to.
Thank You… And There’s More!:
And that’s basic it for Take Back the Night so thank you, thank you, thank you for coming. We hope you are feeling that amazing Take Back the Night energy as you leave tonight… or I guess don’t leave because you are already in your home. But we do want to let you know there is more coming. Next week SACHA will be a part of the Ontario-wide Virtual Take Back the Night being led by the Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres. It’s happening next Thursday September 24th so please check out our social media as well as the Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres social media so you can get all the details and keep this Take Back the Night energy going. Thank you, thank you again and byeeee!